So I was up thinking last night after an outing with some friends this weekend. We were talking over tea about how we knew we had found the one. I think I had said something like it was a comfortable feeling in your heart or some such. But it left me thinking about my relationship with Burly and how I did realize this was the big one. Especially after two failed 'big ones' in my past.
They say when you go through the training to foster a child that part of the curriculum is learning that these broken kids will push to test you and will lash out often as a means to see if you will really stick around or to hurt you before you hurt them etc. I think that isn't just left to broken children. Adults who come from hard backgrounds (like myself) can do the same thing. With Burly I was finally able to see this pattern and finally put it to bed.
We of course didn't exactly have the easiest start at this. We had only been dating for 2 months when I found out I was pregnant (I was on the pill but God had different plans) and Burly, God bless him, didn't skip a beat. He was in for the long haul, he already knew where he wanted to be and that was by my side. I was a lot more scared as two months is an incredibly short amount of time to know someone let alone decide to parent with them. But I really liked him and I didn't think I was going anywhere (ha) so there we were. Two more months down the road we had a fight and it wasn't a 'take the trash out' kind of fight but the mother of all blow out fights. I lost it Big Time and just like that my old patterns kicked in and I went about kicking him out right then and there. 'This is my house and you are Out. Out. Out.' I had my view of what I wanted my relationship to look like and as soon as he put a toe out of that little circle of control my auto response was that he obviously didn't really care for me and I was going to get rid of him before he hurt me. Before he left me. It was my fear based reaction.
I realize now that I had never really let him in. I liked him well enough and he was fun to have around but I kept him at arms length. I didn't trust him because my past dictated that people, men in particular, that you got close to ended up hurting you either emotionally, physically, or both. So I went through the motions of what I felt a relationship should entail but I never actually let myself truly feel and commit to that relationship on a deeper level. I had been walled up protecting myself for so long I had no idea that I was doing it anymore. I was saying love but was so numb I didn't realize the feeling wasn't there because I had truly forgotten what feeling anything besides fear felt like.
Looking back I can see this with my ex. We separated because he came out as transgender and we worked really hard but it just wasn't going to happen. I just wasn't attracted to his feminine side. But when we called it quits I wasn't actually feeling anything that I knew I should be. I just continued with the numbness. I realized that I had never really committed to the romantic relationship like I should have. He was and continues to be my best friend (really we talk all day every day) but I never trusted my heart to him until after we were broken up and that is a regret I have.
The same sort of thing happened with my second daughter. I was so terrified that she might die that I couldn't let myself unravel into that puddley heap of motherly love. It took me almost a month to let go. Now part of that was postpartum anxiety (common with people like myself that struggle with anxiety) but again I think it was myself being so afraid to lose that I couldn't even participate in relationship.
And that is what I think it is. When you come from a turbulent past you learn to control and hold onto what you can with all your might. You might not be able to control where you live or how anyone treats you but you can control your emotions and your heart and so you build this wall around your feelings so you can just get through to the next day. I never let me wall down for anyone and it caused me to become this lonely individual even in a room full of people that loved me. That wall kept me from feeling pain and heartache but it also kept me from feeling anything else either.
I told Jason to leave multiple times. I lashed out at him; screamed my fool head off for him to just get out, and he was so confused, the poor dear soul that he is. What I was really doing was making a big noise to scare away the boogie man. Like banging pans together to scare away a bear in the woods. Or when an abandoned dog growls and snarls and bites at the person trying to rescue them. I was too scared to love him. I didn't want him to hurt me like the others had. And this went on for months. But slowly I saw that he never left my side. He got frustrated. He cried. He yelled back but he never walked out the door. And he continued to love me even in my worst moments. And just like they teach you in those fostering classes slowly I saw that I could maybe trust him a little. And one by one the bricks in my wall came down. And I realized that I was really loving him not just going through the motions of what my idea of love looked like.
It's an odd feeling to actually feel again. It is a lot more vulnerable place to be. But it is also a lot more rewarding. My relationship with Burly is so special and real now. I know we will be together forever. My relationship with my ex (my best friend) is a lot deeper and more connected that we ever were when we were lovers and I so appreciate being able to share with him in that way and with other friends too. And my daughters, both of them, my heart aches just knowing how fleeting childhood is and I'm soaking up every moment knowing that yes someday I will feel the pain of an empty nest but that is not today and I will be able to work through that with Burly when it does.
I knew Burly was the one when my heart was comfortable in his hands and I'm so glad he was patient enough to wait for me to give it to him.
I had the loveliest Mothers Day I think I've had to date. I really enjoyed myself, and just really enjoyed spending the day with Miss P and Burly.
We started with getting to sleep in a bit. Miss P's Daddy dropped her off at 9am from her visit with him. It was his weekend but he was so generous to offer me the day for Mother's day. When she got home she wanted a snack right away and then we sat down and did a big girl Frozen puzzle (ie a real puzzle instead of the wooden Melissa & Douge type ones) and then she wanted me to play with her Frozen barbie dolls with her. This kid can make up some wild stories. I was handed the Kristoff doll and she had the Anna doll and we were off looking for Elsa so she could freeze and then unfreeze Anna's heart. LOL The things she picks up from watching that movie just astounds me.
When it got close to lunch time we headed off to Sequoia Sandwich. I love this place and if you happen to be in the Fresno/Clovis CA area I highly suggest you try it. We had time to take a couple of pictures while we waited for our sandwiches to be made.
Then we went to Target for a bit. I got a new iced tea pitcher and Miss P got to pick out a few new summer clothes to round out her wardrobe. A My Little Pony shirt was the highlight of her shopping trip I think. lol She kept talking about her 'Apple Jack shirt' (a character on the show) and wanted to wear it this morning to day care.
Then since it was Mothers' Day after all, I decided we needed some frozen yogurt after all that shopping. We headed over to Menchies and it was full of surprises! First off the owner gave Miss P a Menchies stuffed doll and she just was over the moon with the gift. She squealed with delight and hugged it really tight. She was so excited! lol I think she said thank you like five times. Which is really good for a three year old!
Then we noticed that there was face painting outside. We took our fro-yo outside and Piper waited patiently for her turn. She decided she wanted her whole face to be a tiger! lol She cracks me up! She sat so still for the face painter and was just sweet as could be. The results were fantastic!
My brother called and was in the area so he stopped by so my nieces could get some frozen yogurt and face painting too. Miss A got a unicorn on her cheek, and Miss L got a Hello Kitty on her arm. So sweet. They came back to the house so the girls could play while I rested. It was so nice as they play so well together.
Burly's parents and grandma came over for dinner. Burly made tritip and I sauteed some summer squash and zucchini with mushrooms and onions. It was all SO good!
After everyone left Piper got a bath. Then since we missed nap time it was early to bed.
What a wonderful day! The only thing that held a shadow over the day was that I certainly missed Miss M but I hope she had a good day with her Mommy. I understand she's not mine to have on Mothers Day even if I feel differently!
On another note: Very few contractions the last few days. I was so thankful to not have to deal with those so much that it put any kind of spoiler on the day. I rested, stayed hydrated, and it worked to my advantage! Burly wouldn't even let me load the dishwasher!
Although we did talk on the phone for a few minutes I'll see my mom this weekend where we'll celebrate a belated Mothers Day and my belated birthday. I'm excited to spend some time on the mountain and some good quality time with my family!
The night before last I ended up spending the evening in L&D. I had been having contractions all day on the hour. I started to keep track around 9:00 am but they started as soon as I got out of bed around 6:00am. 9:10 ouch, 9:40 tears. 10:49 Ugh. Got a little break and then 12:56 holy moly what is going on. 1:13, 1:54, 2:36, on and on and on throughout the day. Of course I was at work, oh and did I mention it was my birthday?
So working, bday lunch with two of my best friends, then tumbling with Miss P. THEN dinner with GiGi and Poppa G and frozen yogurt cause that had to happen. We didn't get home until about 9:00pm. Contractions happening all the way. I put Piper to bed but by that time the contractions had me doubling over.
I got myself into bed by 10:00pm. Had some water and tried to relax but then the period like cramps started to happen. I knew that was bad news. I was counting the contractions as they came and realized I was having them really close together. Nine in an hour to be exact and all were pretty severe. With the back 'period like' pains to go with the contractions I knew I had to call L&D and see what they wanted me to do. Of course they said come right away. Thank goodness my dad was spending the night and could watch Miss P so Burly and I could go.
We got to L&D around midnight to get checked out. The contractions ended up going away on their own, THANK GOODNESS and the baby sounded fine on the monitor and my exam showed that I'm still high and closed thankfully. So we were sent home around 2:30am.
Lesson Learned: I need to rest more.
I took the day off yesterday and spent the day resting with my feet up. I had more contractions yesterday but not to the same magnitude. I slept till noon before I even thought about getting out of bed (except for a multitude of bathroom breaks). My mom brought me lunch and spent the afternoon with me while I caught up on The Voice. When Burly got home she left to go home up the hill.
When my dad got back to the house (he stays with us part time instead of driving up and down the mountain every day) he and Burly did my grocery shopping for me. It was harder than you would imagine to let go of that control. I wanted to do my own damn shopping. What if they didn't get exactly what was on the list? They did fine though and with few exceptions got everything exactly the same as I would have.
I'm only 28 weeks 3 days. I need to let go and accept help so that I can keep this baby in for another approximately 3 months!
Pray that I can keep this baby in for as long as needed please. I'm not due until July 28th and I'm supposed to be having a scheduled C-Section!
I was joking with the nurse that my kids are here to teach me that things don't always go according to my master plan. With Miss P I wanted a natural childbirth and I ended up needing a c-section. Now with Miss V I want the c-section and she's going to try to be a v-back!
From here on out I'll be doing A LOT of resting which is pretty boring but I'll try to keep you all updated on whats new and exciting at Momma Brand's house.
I've been just plugging along but feeling pretty uncomfortable which makes blogging hard. Who wants to hear about contractions and swollen feet for the next ten weeks, everyone raise your hands?!? .... Yah thats what I thought. So here is something that is actually partially interesting. My packing list for the hospital. Having done this once already I feel like I've got a better idea of what I want to bring with me this time.
My own pillow: I have trouble sleeping without a big firm pillow. The thin flimsy ones they have at the hospital just don't cut it for me. Neck support people!! They are great for between your legs though (yeap you'll want that, trust me, even with a c-section). They are also great for on either side of you for nursing the baby. SUCH a help, just not great for actual sleeping. Last time I brought in my pillow with my vintage Star Wars pillow case on it and all the nurses came in to check it out LOL. This year I might just pick out a cheap fun case that I can take with me for the fun of it.
Flip Flops or slip on shoes: You're REQUIRED to walk the floor starting just hours after your surgery for a c-section at the hospital we go to. No ifs and or buts about it. The hospital will supply you with those brown grippy socks but they were so uncomfortable on the bottom of my feet. This time I'm getting a toss away pair of flip flops that I can shuffle around in. (also great for the shower if you're a germaphobe).
Nursing Bras: My boobs get HUGE when my milk comes in. I'm talking G cups here people. So I end up wearing a nursing bra 24/7 for several weeks afterwards even to sleep. Make sure you buy at least a size up from where you are at when you hit your 3rd trimester. You'll thank yourself later! If you've got big boob issues like I do go to ebay when you're looking for nursing bras. Best deals out there and in every size imaginable.
Nipple Cream: While we're on the boob subject. I hate lanolin. I'm sure its a wonderful product but I can't get past the fact that I'm smearing rendered sheep sweat onto my nipples. It just grosses me out. And I know logically that I'm being silly. I mean, I know what honey is (don't look it up if weird things gross you out) and I love honey. I just can't get past the sheep sweat for some reason. So I found an alternative that doesn't contain lanolin and it is WONDERFUL. I still have the jar that I bought before Miss P was born 3 years ago but I'm going to get another one just in case. It's Earth Mama Angel Baby Nipple Butter. It smells SO Good. Like chocolate. And feels wonderful going on the skin and doesn't need to be wiped off prior to nursing. It's a MUST HAVE. (P.S. it also works great on baby rashes).
Nursing Pads: I'm pretty sure this is the last boob thing. When my milk came in I leaked like a cow all the time for the first week. I love the idea of the Milkies Milk Saver and I'll probably invest in one but those first few days I'm just trying to keep from drowning in my own milk! Nursing pads keep you dry and fit nicely into your nursing bra. I'll use the milk saver at home when my body finally regulates and knows how much milk I need to be producing. My fav. are the Lansinoh brand. They were the most absorbent of the few brands I tried and they were the most comfortable too.
Individual Cans of Pineapple Juice (not from concentrate): I was wrong. One more boob thing. Pineapple juice is the nursing moms saving grace. Firstly its an anti inflammatory which means it'll help you from getting clogged milk ducts. That alone will make you want to wear one of those beer hats filled with pineapple juice. Secondly the pineapple juice will help your milk taste just as sweet as can be. If you've got a baby that is resistant to nursing for whatever reason this could be the game changer for you. Lay off the asparagus and get on that pineapple juice.
Robe: If you don't bring a robe you have to put on an extra hospital gown to cover your rump when your walking the floor, getting up to use the bathroom, or whatever else you need/want to do outside of your hospital bed. A robe is going to be a lot more comfortable. I didn't do this last time and I regretted it.
Nightgown: Don't bother with pajama pants because they are too much of a hassle when the nurse wants to check your incision again and again and again. Also you're not going to want anything tight around your waist. I'm going to bring a nightgown that has easy access for nursing. Either with a bunch of buttons down the front or with a criss cross front I can pop my boobs out of when I need to. Remember loose fitting is better!
Dry Shampoo: That first shower doesn't come soon enough honestly. Especially with a c-section. Dry shampoo is great so you don't have greasy hair in every picture before your shower. You can make it really easily if your crafty like that or get it on amazon for pretty cheap.
Toiletries: Travel size everything for the win! Really its so much easier than lugging all your good stuff to the hospital and they are super cheap. Body wash, toothpaste and a disposable toothbrush, deodorant, lip balm, lotion etc. The lip balm could have its own line really. I didn't think I'd really use it but delivery/surgery just sucks the moisture right out of you. DON'T FORGET YOUR LIP BALM. Also a few hair bands if you need them. You're bound to lose at least one so bring extras.
Power Strip: Are you raising your eye brow at this one? The hospital has maybe one or two plugs that aren't being used if your lucky. Now think of how many things you need to plug in: Your phone, Your SO's phone. tablet, SO's laptop, camera, camcorder, etc. Don't fight over what gets charged first. Be smart, bring a power strip. Oh and don't forget your charging cables. Duh.
ID Cards and Info Sheet: I don't bring my purse to the hospital with me. Not even my wallet if I can help it. Its just extra stuff to lug home later. Get a little coin purse and put in your drivers license, insurance card, and fold up a sheet with important info they may ask for. This way even if your sleeping you SO can still relay pertinent information to your nurses. Phone numbers, address (mailing address), social security number, your chosen pediatrician (our hospital wont let you leave without choosing one), etc. Even a credit card number with expiration date might come in handy. Then give that to your SO and tell them to keep it safe.
Towel: You're going to be in the hospital for at least 3 days. The towels at the hospital, God love em, are thin, scratchy, which I could live with but they also just don't dry you off well at all. Bring a towel from home, or pick up a cheapy from Target to use.
Mints: Yah you'll want one, but honestly you'll want to offer them to the friends and family that have been in the waiting room sucking down coffee while they wait to see you. After a c-section you're going to be woozy and a bit nauseated. Coffee breath does NOTHING to help. I puked. Then I felt bad that someone else's bad breath made me puke, like I had offended them somehow. You just can't win. Bring the mints to avoid this situation. Here is what I plan on saying every time everyone comes in the room "Take a mint! No offense but I'm nauseated and everyone's breath is making it worse. Its just the medicine and NOTHING Personal. THANKS!" Then everyone will just eat a damned mint and get on with oogling my cuter than cute baby.
Going Home Clothes: I'm sure I'm repeating every hospital list out there when I say this but it bears repeating: DON'T BRING YOUR PRE-PREGNANCY CLOTHES. I felt so Stupid packing my favorite pants and having to send someone home from my maternity yoga pants. Yeap, I was that girl. Instead do yourself the favor and bring a very comfortable pair of yoga or stretch pants that DO NOT Have a tight waist band. Also you're going to want a big pair of granny panties. Get them a size bigger just to ensure there is no pressure around your incision or waist band. Then pack a flowy top. Nothing confining. Big T-shirt? Yes! Flowy cotton summer top? Yes! Tight tank top? NO! OUCH! Or even better wear one of those cute cotton maxi dresses home. That car ride home, with the seat belt and the bumps and turns etc. is uncomfortable enough, don't make it worse on yourself!
For Baby: The hospital is going to provide just about everything for you. Hats, blankets, shirts, diapers, wipes, etc. Things they didn't include were baby socks, Weird right? So pack a few of those because even in July baby will get cold toesies. You'll also want any cute picture outfits and a going home outfit. At our hospital there is a lady that comes by and does a newborn photo session right in your room so having a few outfits to choose from (in varying sizes) is a smart choice. Also don't forget to have your car seat installed before you head to your c-section appointment. That'll be one less thing for your SO to do before you go home. I like to have mine checked by the fire department to ensure its in correctly and when you leave the hospital (at least where we go) a nurse will come out with you to ensure the baby is buckled correctly.
For Your SO: We're not bringing much for Burly. We are only 15 minutes from the hospital and he's got to go check on the dogs every day so he'll just get what he needs from home. Our hospital doesn't provide snacks for dads so we'll bring something for him and probably some cash for the cafeteria but other than that he's okay.
Things I might bring but might not use:
Nursing Pillow. With Miss P I was so engorged with milk the only way I could comfortably nurse (for both of us) was on my side. No two babies are alike though, and I suppose my milk supply might be different this time. I'm still on the fence about it.
Receiving Blankets: The hospital provides receiving blankets for baby but we have so many cute and soft ones at home, it might be nice to use them at the hospital. Then again I just love looking at Miss P's hospital pictures and seeing the cute hospital blanket. It was a special time. I'm considering it but it'll probably be a no. Same with baby hats.
And that's about it. This is my list. Anything you think I should add? What did you bring to the hospital with you for your c-section?
For a while the conversation just couldn't happen. Not even in text. The thought of it just made me well up with tears. The mere reminder of the agony of waiting just killed my spirit, even after the waiting was over. I am pretty sure it was the scariest time of my life to date. Here is why I've been quiet for so long:
I got a call at work. One that no one ever wants to get "Ma'am this is the geneticist from the hospital. We got your test results and would like to take a few minute to speak with you. Can you sit down before we continue?"
Dear lord. Please. Not us. Not this baby. Not my baby.
Her exact words get a bit hazy after that. She said the results of my last blood test showed that our baby had a chance of having Down Syndrome. I needed to come in the next day for an extensive ultrasound. She asked that I bring Burly with me just in case 'important decisions' had to be made. She meant if we needed to decide to terminate our pregnancy.
The rest of the day was tears of course. I sat at my desk at work and just coughed on all the fear I was holding down inside me. I went home early and laid on the bed and bawled like a baby. What if. What if. My mind whirled with what we would do if the ultrasound results showed Down Syndrome. How would we care for a special child? How could we burden our daughters after we passed away with the task of dealing with a special needs sibling? That one came back to me a lot. How could we do this to Miss P and Miss M. It would change their lives forever. Make it incredibly harder.
We went to the ultrasound appointment and as much as I tried to hold it together I lasted till they took my blood pressure before I broke down bawling again. They got me back to the tech room and they started the scan. It took 2 hours. The ultrasound wasn't conclusive but they didn't see the signs they normally associate with Down Syndrome. We opted for an amniocentesis. That way we would have 99% accurate information about whether or not our baby would have DS.
The results for an amnio take two weeks to come back. That was the longest two weeks of my life. We didn't hear from anyone at the hospital for two weeks. We were very selective about who we told in our lives as I didn't want to be bombarded with questions and sympathy and just all the noise that comes with possible bad news. I know people would just be trying to offer support and help but that sort of thing just makes my anxiety run wild. Mostly we just kept to ourselves and waited for the call. The geneticist said that if the news was good she would call as soon as she got the information, generally in working hours. If the news was 'more complicated' she would call in the evening after 7 in the hopes that both parents would be at home. Every evening call made me jump out of my skin. I cried a lot in those two weeks. My mind went back and forth over whether we would terminate the pregnancy or try to live and love a child with special needs. I kept going back to the girls and how it would affect them. Their dreams. Their goals. Their childhoods and their adulthoods and how this could affect everything for them. I felt guilty for wanting to make it work, and guilty for wanting to terminate and sometimes guilty for both at the same time.
I also felt shame. The geneticist told us that having a baby with Down Syndrome is like roulette. It just came down to luck. There wasn't anything that either of us could have done differently. Neither of us have family with disabilities. We're both healthy-ish. Older yes, but only in our 30s. But I still felt shame in the fact that I might be carrying a baby that was different. That might not have the same possibilities in life that my daughters have or any other kid for that matter. I still felt responsible somehow. I mean I am responsible for growing this baby. How did something possibly go wrong? How would I tell Miss P and Miss M that their baby sibling would be different? Or worse, how would I tell them that the baby died if we decided to terminate? I have no idea.
I got the call at 10:45am on a Tuesday. The news was good! Our baby did not have Down Syndrome. We also found out in all of this that we are having another girl. Our prayers were answered. I felt so relieved. We shared the news publicly at that point about what we had been going through and was able to share good news thankfully. But I wanted to put it behind me so I didn't have to think about that ordeal anymore. The idea of what could have been still weighed on me and made me tear up. Thats why it took more than a month to share our story. Only now can I write about it and now get overly emotional (being pregnant that's saying something!).
We do still have some obstacles. I'm not off high risk yet as the baby is measuring two weeks behind. I go in tomorrow and they will either move my due date OR they will be sending me to a new specialist depending on how she grows. I feel her kicking me as I write this up. She's extremely active. Here she will be known as Miss V.
So thank you for putting up with sporadic posts. Hopefully you have gotten your Momma Brand fill on Instagram at least :) I'll be sure to update more frequently from here on out!
I've got it and I've got it bad. The sickness. Anything I put after this would be an extreme TMI. Just know I'm sick. SO SICK. I'll be back soon.
Hey! Guess who Instagrams it up over here? Yeap this gal. If you wanna see the kiddles and me and what we do everyday you can check us out there!
http://instagram.com/mommabrandrocks
Here is a sneak peek at what you'll find:
