Okay I Can Talk About it Now

For a while the conversation just couldn't happen. Not even in text. The thought of it just made me well up with tears. The mere reminder of the agony of waiting just killed my spirit, even after the waiting was over. I am pretty sure it was the scariest time of my life to date. Here is why I've been quiet for so long:

I got a call at work. One that no one ever wants to get "Ma'am this is the geneticist from the hospital. We got your test results and would like to take a few minute to speak with you. Can you sit down before we continue?"

Dear lord. Please. Not us. Not this baby. Not my baby.

Her exact words get a bit hazy after that. She said the results of my last blood test showed that our baby had a chance of having Down Syndrome. I needed to come in the next day for an extensive ultrasound. She asked that I bring Burly with me just in case 'important decisions' had to be made. She meant if we needed to decide to terminate our pregnancy.

The rest of the day was tears of course. I sat at my desk at work and just coughed on all the fear I was holding down inside me. I went home early and laid on the bed and bawled like a baby. What if. What if. My mind whirled with what we would do if the ultrasound results showed Down Syndrome. How would we care for a special child? How could we burden our daughters after we passed away with the task of dealing with a special needs sibling? That one came back to me a lot. How could we do this to Miss P and Miss M. It would change their lives forever. Make it incredibly harder.

We went to the ultrasound appointment and as much as I tried to hold it together I lasted till they took my blood pressure before I broke down bawling again. They got me back to the tech room and they started the scan. It took 2 hours. The ultrasound wasn't conclusive but they didn't see the signs they normally associate with Down Syndrome. We opted for an amniocentesis. That way we would have 99% accurate information about whether or not our baby would have DS.

The results for an amnio take two weeks to come back. That was the longest two weeks of my life. We didn't hear from anyone at the hospital for two weeks. We were very selective about who we told in our lives as I didn't want to be bombarded with questions and sympathy and just all the noise that comes with possible bad news. I know people would just be trying to offer support and help but that sort of thing just makes my anxiety run wild. Mostly we just kept to ourselves and waited for the call. The geneticist said that if the news was good she would call as soon as she got the information, generally in working hours. If the news was 'more complicated' she would call in the evening after 7 in the hopes that both parents would be at home. Every evening call made me jump out of my skin. I cried a lot in those two weeks. My mind went back and forth over whether we would terminate the pregnancy or try to live and love a child with special needs. I kept going back to the girls and how it would affect them. Their dreams. Their goals. Their childhoods and their adulthoods and how this could affect everything for them. I felt guilty for wanting to make it work, and guilty for wanting to terminate and sometimes guilty for both at the same time.

I also felt shame. The geneticist told us that having a baby with Down Syndrome is like roulette. It just came down to luck. There wasn't anything that either of us could have done differently. Neither of us have family with disabilities. We're both healthy-ish. Older yes, but only in our 30s. But I still felt shame in the fact that I might be carrying a baby that was different. That might not have the same possibilities in life that my daughters have or any other kid for that matter. I still felt responsible somehow. I mean I am responsible for growing this baby. How did something possibly go wrong? How would I tell Miss P and Miss M that their baby sibling would be different? Or worse, how would I tell them that the baby died if we decided to terminate? I have no idea.

I got the call at 10:45am on a Tuesday. The news was good! Our baby did not have Down Syndrome. We also found out in all of this that we are having another girl. Our prayers were answered. I felt so relieved. We shared the news publicly at that point about what we had been going through and was able to share good news thankfully. But I wanted to put it behind me so I didn't have to think about that ordeal anymore. The idea of what could have been still weighed on me and made me tear up. Thats why it took more than a month to share our story. Only now can I write about it and now get overly emotional (being pregnant that's saying something!).

We do still have some obstacles. I'm not off high risk yet as the baby is measuring two weeks behind. I go in tomorrow and they will either move my due date OR they will be sending me to a new specialist depending on how she grows. I feel her kicking me as I write this up. She's extremely active. Here she will be known as Miss V.

So thank you for putting up with sporadic posts. Hopefully you have gotten  your Momma Brand fill on Instagram at least :) I'll be sure to update more frequently from here on out!