They say when you go through the training to foster a child that part of the curriculum is learning that these broken kids will push to test you and will lash out often as a means to see if you will really stick around or to hurt you before you hurt them etc. I think that isn't just left to broken children. Adults who come from hard backgrounds (like myself) can do the same thing. With Burly I was finally able to see this pattern and finally put it to bed.
We of course didn't exactly have the easiest start at this. We had only been dating for 2 months when I found out I was pregnant (I was on the pill but God had different plans) and Burly, God bless him, didn't skip a beat. He was in for the long haul, he already knew where he wanted to be and that was by my side. I was a lot more scared as two months is an incredibly short amount of time to know someone let alone decide to parent with them. But I really liked him and I didn't think I was going anywhere (ha) so there we were. Two more months down the road we had a fight and it wasn't a 'take the trash out' kind of fight but the mother of all blow out fights. I lost it Big Time and just like that my old patterns kicked in and I went about kicking him out right then and there. 'This is my house and you are Out. Out. Out.' I had my view of what I wanted my relationship to look like and as soon as he put a toe out of that little circle of control my auto response was that he obviously didn't really care for me and I was going to get rid of him before he hurt me. Before he left me. It was my fear based reaction.
I realize now that I had never really let him in. I liked him well enough and he was fun to have around but I kept him at arms length. I didn't trust him because my past dictated that people, men in particular, that you got close to ended up hurting you either emotionally, physically, or both. So I went through the motions of what I felt a relationship should entail but I never actually let myself truly feel and commit to that relationship on a deeper level. I had been walled up protecting myself for so long I had no idea that I was doing it anymore. I was saying love but was so numb I didn't realize the feeling wasn't there because I had truly forgotten what feeling anything besides fear felt like.
Looking back I can see this with my ex. We separated because he came out as transgender and we worked really hard but it just wasn't going to happen. I just wasn't attracted to his feminine side. But when we called it quits I wasn't actually feeling anything that I knew I should be. I just continued with the numbness. I realized that I had never really committed to the romantic relationship like I should have. He was and continues to be my best friend (really we talk all day every day) but I never trusted my heart to him until after we were broken up and that is a regret I have.
The same sort of thing happened with my second daughter. I was so terrified that she might die that I couldn't let myself unravel into that puddley heap of motherly love. It took me almost a month to let go. Now part of that was postpartum anxiety (common with people like myself that struggle with anxiety) but again I think it was myself being so afraid to lose that I couldn't even participate in relationship.
And that is what I think it is. When you come from a turbulent past you learn to control and hold onto what you can with all your might. You might not be able to control where you live or how anyone treats you but you can control your emotions and your heart and so you build this wall around your feelings so you can just get through to the next day. I never let me wall down for anyone and it caused me to become this lonely individual even in a room full of people that loved me. That wall kept me from feeling pain and heartache but it also kept me from feeling anything else either.
I told Jason to leave multiple times. I lashed out at him; screamed my fool head off for him to just get out, and he was so confused, the poor dear soul that he is. What I was really doing was making a big noise to scare away the boogie man. Like banging pans together to scare away a bear in the woods. Or when an abandoned dog growls and snarls and bites at the person trying to rescue them. I was too scared to love him. I didn't want him to hurt me like the others had. And this went on for months. But slowly I saw that he never left my side. He got frustrated. He cried. He yelled back but he never walked out the door. And he continued to love me even in my worst moments. And just like they teach you in those fostering classes slowly I saw that I could maybe trust him a little. And one by one the bricks in my wall came down. And I realized that I was really loving him not just going through the motions of what my idea of love looked like.
It's an odd feeling to actually feel again. It is a lot more vulnerable place to be. But it is also a lot more rewarding. My relationship with Burly is so special and real now. I know we will be together forever. My relationship with my ex (my best friend) is a lot deeper and more connected that we ever were when we were lovers and I so appreciate being able to share with him in that way and with other friends too. And my daughters, both of them, my heart aches just knowing how fleeting childhood is and I'm soaking up every moment knowing that yes someday I will feel the pain of an empty nest but that is not today and I will be able to work through that with Burly when it does.
I knew Burly was the one when my heart was comfortable in his hands and I'm so glad he was patient enough to wait for me to give it to him.
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